Here we go again. December. End of school year celebrations. Milestones. Preparing for Christmas. Family catch ups. Special friend catch ups.
We see and hear from those we love.
How are we are doing?
We are doing great.
And the shadow of grief? The ache and feeling of loss that is constantly within us.
It is humming just below the surface and easily flares up at this time of year.
To a level of intensity that takes me straight back to the first year of grief.
Moments of anger, sadness and being perplexed. Incredulous.
How can it be that Mick did not get to live?
He was a devoted, proud, dedicated Dad.
Yet he is not here to share in raising our children together.
The parental responsibility is all mine.
Our eldest, our son is finishing primary school.
Seven years and Mick did not get to see him go to school for even one day. Mick has missed seeing our son seeming to grow an inch each month of the last six. His voice breaking. His confidence and independence growing. The twinkle in his eye when he makes a dry but clever joke or observation. A twinkle just like Mick used to have.
Mick didn’t come with me to our son’s graduation disco. Or to the orientation morning for high school.
And he has missed many special moments and decisions for our daughter this year too.
So I have shared those moments with others who love our children and love me.
Thank goodness for
- the wonder of almost instantaneous photos and messages to share events.
- our family and dear friends who have known our children since birth.
- more recent friends – the diamonds who get the duality of loss and joy that comes with each parenting moment. Who message me or quietly save me a seat at a school function or listen over a cuppa as I share how a solo parent moment went.
Thank goodness for all the self care tools I have to ground and support myself.
- Permitting myself to be still.
- Practising self compassion.
- Prioritising exercise, yoga, meditating and enjoying comforting fun activities.
Thank goodness for the beauty of our natural surrounds in which we are fortunate to live.
Solo parenting is tough. There are many years and moments to navigate and celebrate ahead. I have the love, community, structure and self knowledge to sustain me and my children.❤️🌈🙏