Clare Smart. Celebrant and Blogger: Life as a Brain Cancer Carer then Young Widow/Solo Parent
A friend checked in with me a week ago anticipating the anniversary tomorrow. The day Mick died. It will be ten years. She said “I’m sure the pain never stops”. She’s right. She also asked after me and the kids. It felt good to be able to say we are good. Actually not good -... Continue Reading →
A day like today ...
I went for a walk at the beach today and decided to have Mick's favourite ice cream - Ben and Jerry's triple caramel chunk (known in the UK as triple caramel chew chew). Mick died 8 years ago on this day. As I crossed the road to the beach - a rainbow greeted me.
At dawn you peacefully and quietly took your last breath. Our daughter felt it. She woke wailing. I rushed to her room and took her outside. Trying not to disturb our son who was still sleeping or your father who was resting on a mattress on the floor - by your side until the very... Continue Reading →
With tears streaming she looked at me through the net of the trampoline. Trembling she said "I dont think I can do it. It will be too sad." I nodded. A few tears also trickled from my eyes. It was the day before Father's day. My ten year old daughter had been jumping to burn off... Continue Reading →
Seven years ago, winter had just begun and my family and I started to see brilliant rainbows. It was the last few days of Mick's time with us here in this life. He was drifting into a deep state of unconsciousness. It was clear that the end was close. I was about to lose my... Continue Reading →
I think about what could have been if it wasn't for brain cancer. Where would we be? How would we as a couple have fared? How would our relationship have grown and deepened? What do I miss? It is easier to think about all the things I dont miss. Smelly feet. Sweaty unwashed gym gear.... Continue Reading →
I often feel sadness, anger and loss most intensely in the lead up to an anniversary or a day like Father's Day rather than on the day itself. On the day I hold my breath hoping that the children and I will be okay. Then on the days following - like today - I exhale... Continue Reading →
Last week the kids and I stopped by McDonald's for an extremely unhealthy lunch of french fries dipped in a caramel sundae. Yeurk! I shudder now thinking of all the sickening sugar, salt and fat. Yet at the time it was just the thing. The kids smiled with glee at the decadence and complete abandon of... Continue Reading →
Rainbows & Rollercoasters 